Typical questions asked to Indians abroad !

Q.  What does that red dot on women’s forehead mean?
A.  Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife’s red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target.

Q.  You’re from India?  I have read so much about the country.  All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A.  Absolutely.  In fact we used to have our own elephant in our  house.  But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air.  You see  elephants have an emissions problem..

Q.  Does India have cars?
A.  No.  We ride elephants to work.  The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.

Q.  Does India have TV?
A.  No.  We only have cable.

Q.  Are all Indians vegetarian?
A.  Yes.  Even tigers are vegetarian in India.

Q.  How come you speak English so well?
A.  You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians as servants.  It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an English-language gene and infused  their servants’ babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.

Q.  Are you a Hindi?
A.  Yes.  I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

Q.  Do you speak Hindu?
A.  Yes,  I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

Q.  Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A.  Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.

Q.  India is very hot, isn’t it?
A.  It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously.That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Q.  Are there any business companies in India?
A.  No. All Indians live on the Gandhian principles of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why  you see all these thin skinny Indians it is is a lot of hard work.

Q.  Indians cannot beef, huh?
A.  Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden.  However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.

Q.  India is such a religious place.  Do you meditate regularly?
A.  Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink.  But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that.  But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.

Q.  I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A.  We don’t have shoes.  So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.

Q.  Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A.  I prefer it to coming naked.

Differences between North Indian and South Indian wives!

Wives from North:

1.    At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.

2.    Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3.    By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4.    The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5.    The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6.    You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.

7.    When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

8.    She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south India until she met you.

9.    She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

10.    The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you ?"

11.    She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.

Wives from South:

1. Her mother looks down at you because you didn’t study in IIT or Madras or Anna University .

2. She shudders if you use four letter words.

3. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)

4. She uses the word ‘Super’ as her only superlative.

5. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.

6. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)

7. When she mixes milk, curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.

8. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.

9. She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.

10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.

11. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for ‘conversation’)

12. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.

13. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it.

14. Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.

15. She is more educated than you.

16. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.

The Venomous words frequently used by Women!

1) Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4) Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8 ) Whatever
Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

9) Don’t worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This
will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Black, White and…the Marriage!

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why’s the groom wearing black?"